Sunbeam
by nathaniel.hp
Summary: When true friends meet in adverse hour; 'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower. A watery way an instant seen, The darkly closing clouds between." - Sir Walter Scott Written for rs 500 on LJ. Thank you to Zarathustra for the beta!


**Sunbeam**

My body always tells me when the nicer parts of autumn – coloured leaves and enough sun to warm you on a stroll around the grounds – gives way to a more disagreeable time of damp, foggy weather that will eventually become winter. As it gets colder, my joints ache more than usual. I often feel like an old man, getting out of bed in the mornings with my back hurting and knees cracking while the other boys jump out of bed, eager for a new day of mischief and magic. Getting up is nothing to them, safe for the occasional grumble that it is still too early to be up and about. Well, it is nothing, isn't it? At least not to sixteen-year-olds whose bones and joints don't rearrange themselves on a monthly basis. I sigh and rub my knee furiously. I could swear it gets worse every year. And I frown because such thoughts are for sixty- not sixteen-year-olds. There are times when the unfairness of it all makes me want to scream and rant and rage. Like today. Instead, as always, I simply look straight ahead, waiting for the pain to pass.

"All right there, Moony?" Peter's concerned face appears in my field of vision, and I quickly change my expression for a more neutral one.

"Fine, Wormy. Just a bit of a stiff knee, is all. It's nearly the full moon."

"Oh, right. Boy, I am looking forward to the full moon. We had such fun last time, didn't we?"

An innocent, not intentionally malicious comment, but it stings. No, it hurts. Like hell. I have no idea what happened last month. I woke up unharmed. No wounds, just the dull ache of bones broken and re-mended, of joints that had arranged and rearranged themselves. But I never know what happens during the moon. I don't know what the wolf does. I have to live with the fact that there are parts of my life that I do not know about. This is scary as hell and much worse than the pain that accompanies the transformation. So much worse ...

"Remus?" Sirius's voice pulls me back to the present. I smile, but it is a weak smile. "Okay?" he insists.

"He's fine, Pads," Peter pipes up, "just his knee. Full moon soon. It'll be great." I stare at the floor, trying to ignore Peter's comments.

"Peter, you idiot! Come, Remus!" I am pulled up and steered out of the dormitory. As soon as we cross the threshold, voices rise behind us. Sirius. Trust him to give Peter a good dressing down. I look up. Of course it had to be James who'd get me out of there.

"I'll talk to him, Remus, once Sirius is done with him. I'll make him understand." James looks at me, eyes sincere and honest. I nod.

"You okay, mate?" I nod again and wish they wouldn't treat me like an invalid. I want nothing more than for them to pretend that everything is normal, that I am normal; hoping without hope that this will actually make it come true, will make me normal. Not going to happen. Which is so unfair. I feel anger race through my body, heat rising on my cheeks.

"I'll go for a walk. I'll feel better when I move a bit and get some fresh air." I know my voice is strained, wishing it wasn't so as this will surely prompt another bout of concern from James.

"Grand. Mind if I join you?"

"I'd like to be alone for a bit, Prongs."

"Okay, fine, no worries. See you at breakfast then, right?" James talks very fast, no doubt reluctant to let me go.

"I'll meet you there." I turn around and leave without another word.

---

I sit on a windowsill up in the Astronomy Tower. My legs are dangling over the edge, heels scraping along the stone every now and then. It's a long way to the grounds and I start to feel dizzy when I look down for too long. I don't know how long I've been here. My thoughts have gone around in circles, again and again and again. Anger, sadness, fear, hopelessness. All at the same time. I am starting to feel a bit cold. I never managed to grab my robes, let alone my wand this morning. I shiver and rub my hands together to get a bit warmer. Maybe it's time to go back down. It's not like my thoughts are leading anywhere. There is nothing I can do. Nothing. Might as well get on with life. I sigh. Breakfast must be over by now. Just a few more minutes. I am feeling calmer now; acceptance always calms me, until the next time I realise that I received a rather raw deal. Peace and quiet are something I rarely find, neither outside nor inside my mind. And so I stay. Just a bit longer.

There is movement behind me. Familiar footsteps. I don't change my position, keep looking straight ahead, out across the rain-shrouded grounds towards the Forbidden Forest where Thestrals break through the canopy every so often, barely visible through the fog.

He sits down beside me, fidgets a bit to get comfortable, then joins me in quietness. I smile inwardly because I know how hard it is for him to keep still for any amount of time. My hand moves across to find his hands resting in his lap. Warm and comforting. Without a word or a glance, I slip my cold hand in between his. I feel him squeeze and rub it slightly. He's looking at me, I can tell, but my eyes remain glued to the grounds.

Finally, I stretch my back and roll my shoulders. Sirius is still holding on to my hand, giving it a slight squeeze when he sees me move. I turn my head and smile at him before pulling my hand out of his grasp.

He clears his throat. "Ready to go back?"

"Yeah, I reckon so."

"Good, I'm hungry. Let's go down to the kitchens." He is pulling his legs up and swinging them over the sill, getting ready to jump down. When he sits there, with his back to the depressing scenery, our shoulders brushing, I stay him by putting my hand on top of his.

"Thank you."

He merely nods before he jumps down.

My knees protest when I make to follow him and I bite back a groan. Unsuccessfully. Before I know it I find myself hoisted off the sill and in his arms.

"Let me down. I'm not your damsel in distress!"

"Ah, but I feel so very much like a prince today, Moony!" Sirius grins at me.

"Prince," I scoff in reply. "Frog that wants to be kissed more like!"

"Frog? What are you on about? But yeah, not a bad idea actually."

I give him a quick peck on the cheek, then tell him to let me down, though I stay close by his side.

I don't know how he does it, but Sirius always manages to do the right thing at the right time. Well, not always. But even if he doesn't, he somehow manages to set things right. He makes me forget things. And I do. I forget the anger and the despair. For now at least. I might not be able to change anything, but I have been reminded that I am not alone in this.

"Oh," Sirius interrupts my thoughts, "make sure you don't laugh too much when you see Peter. He is sporting the most phenomenal black eye. It's quite impressive!" He grins, apparently very pleased with himself.

"Sirius!" I scold.

"Oh, come on, Remus, he was out of line. He got what he deserved."

There is no point in arguing and knowing that Peter has been taught a lesson actually feels pretty good.

I snake my arm around Sirius's waist. "You're right. Let's go, I'm hungry."

"Good. I was waiting for you to say that." He puts his arm around my shoulders.

"How did you know I was up here?" It has just occurred to me that he shouldn't have known where I was hiding.

"Do you know that crazy portrait? The knight? He was all eager to show me. 'Venture forth to the west, noble sir!' he said. He's probably still waiting outside to cheer the noble sir who saved his damsel. Ow!"

"You deserved that! Now stop the nonsense and escort me to the kitchens, noble sir!"

We make our way downstairs, noisily and being silly, Sirius still calling me his damsel. Outside the weather is still dreary and depressing. It doesn't matter; the days are always brighter and warmer when Sirius is around.


End file.
